The Misfits

Helen Bright is going through a phase of chocolate, designer shoes and Marilyn Monroe movies. I am a huge fan of old movies. I have this encyclopedic knowledge of the 30s,40s and 50s films. Well, I have to win at something when playing Trivial Pursuit. One of my character flaws was to be extremely competitive. This character flaw can often drive people to destruction if it is not kept in check. This is possibly the reason why I tend to be meticulous in everything I do. That was also part of the problem between me and the GMC. I know the GMC better than it knows itself. I know quirky little facts like Allinson's bread sold in Sainsbury's was once the invention of Dr Allinson, struck off for suggesting that smoking was linked to ill health. Allinson v GMC was also the first version of professional misconduct. Just for the record, I bake with Allinson's flour and eat Allinson's bread. I possibly do this out of respect for Dr Allinson while collecting my Nectar points. It is this kind of attention to detail that is achieved just by determination and competitiveness. Achieving vindication was a competition and a race. I wasn't about to allow the system to beat me. I recognise this trait in other doctors as well. It is probably something to do with the constant state of competitiveness we are asked to exist in, in the medical profession. There is something unhealthy about it in many ways. It took me quite a while to understand that I didn't have to compete - the sun would still rise tomorrow.

One of the movies starring Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable was The Misfits. Written by the eminent Arthur Miller, Monroe's then husband, it was a interesting study of people. It has always reminded me of the position of Whistleblowers in society. Most of us are totally lost in our own world. This is something every whistleblower finds themselves in. Their perfectionism, their vision of a perfect world, their determination for honesty or integrity and their competitiveness drives them to achieve vindication. This eventually  cuts the  string between them and average society. They begin to exist as a individual entity - something that many people fear. Humans classically exist in cliques and groups. Few are individualists.

I know I could be in he company of many many people but have a sub processor running in my head dissecting and problem solving on how to get through another hurdle placed in my path to vindication. Some people call it an obsession. I simply call it intellectual progress or challenges. I doubt any university or school can teach you how to exist successfully as a Misfit. While most people in society would be ashamed to be a Misfit, I tend to be proud of being a little different, a little off the wall, a little eccentric and a amazingly unpredictable to certain sectors of the world.

I must have spent years concealing my past as a whistleblower from many people and it took me a long time to develop my self confidence so that I could be proud of who I was. Medicine is all about your peers making you feel ashamed of being who you are. Whistleblowers are taboo, they are often judged as failures of some kind, they are often mocked for the predicament they find themselves in and they often walk around society with a plastic mask. It is the plastic face that fools everyone into thinking you are just Ms Jo Bloggs. Whistleblowing is meant to be some deep dark dirty secret, never to be told to the outside world.

Being a whistleblower is my past, I cannot get away from it. I had spent a long time running from it until I understood that I couldn't run from myself.  It has carved my persona, dictated who I have become and sent me through many many adventures through various storms. I survived it all and  I should be proud of it.  I would call Whistleblowing a type of evolution that determines your identity.  It is much like pressing the fast forward button and learning about more things than average people do in their lifetime. The few things I have learned is that you cannot run from yourself and you cannot change the past. The best thing to do is to accept your past and move to the future.The only aspect of your life that can be changed is the future.