Friday, 14 May 2010

Happiness is a Lawyer Free Zone


My friend is suffering from lawyer PTSD. It happens to those exposed to long periods with the Great Whites. I have been trying to explain a minor fact to him. All lawyers are Great Whites. It is just that they all have variable sized teeth. The other issue about lawyers is this - all lawyers come with pound signs flashing in their eyes. I have always wanted to use an ophthalmoscope on my lawyers to see how prevalent this is. I feared getting close enough. Afterall, you don't want to get bitten by a lawyer. These fang bites just don't go away with Revlon concealer. I am positive that the retina would show changes startlingly similar to £££££. Infact, I often used to contemplate these issues when sitting in conference with some of them.

Most won't move without payment by the way. I am surprised they even breathe without payment. Then again, you often wonder whether any of them are actually alive.

I have been lawyer free for sometime now and its fantastic. I no longer have to do their work while they get paid £400 plus VAT per hour for pontificating. I no longer have to explain basic medicine to them. I no longer have to tolerate their diva like behaviour and I no longer have to put up with their legal supremacy. You see all lawyers assume they are the cleverest ones of them all.

They must all look in the mirror every morning, preen themselves and say " Who is the cleverest one of them all"? One day the mirror will turn round to them and say "not you mate".

Apart from one lawyer or maybe two, the rest hired by me have been - well not clever enough to warrant the high fees they charged. Then there was Paul Rose QC. His cufflinks cost more than my entire outfit. I worry about men like that. At the end of my dealings with him, I told him he was dim when it came to the assessment of detriment caused to doctors. He crowed loudly about how naive I was to have described the MMC to him. His smile wiped off his face after Professor Sir John Tooke's report came out. I had the last laugh and I also fired him.

I am mean about lawyers, then they are all mean about me so we are equal in the world of karma. There should be a health warning to anyone who wants to hire one. If I had my way, I would dig a large pit, throw all lawyers in the UK in it and then I would surround them with barbed wire so they could never get out. Lawyers belong to lawyers. They shouldn't be let out into the daylight. It is a shame the sun does not turn them into dust.

So yes, I have been fabulously happy since I gave up lawyers for lent. I wake up in the morning, pull back the curtains, look at the bright blue sky and the sun and count my lucky stars that I don't have to speak to a lawyer. I have recovered from my legal PTSD. It was easy really - I just fired them all and went to Frankie and Benny's for a flapover pizza [ a Calzone to Italians] and a New York Cheesecake [ and anyone reading this should try it]. It cures all types of Legal PTSDs for good.


1 comments:

Henry North London 2.0 said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FegmPKnARuo